The Victors

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an effort to “restore sanity,” on Thursday Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney offered every adult American $6000 to vote against Republicans in the midterms.

“If you oust the Republicans, you’ll receive a check for $6000,” he said at a press conference. “And to be clear, we’re talking American dollars, not Canadian.”

The prime minister’s announcement seemed unlikely to make Donald Trump increase his own offer, since $5000 would be the most he has ever paid to a non-pornstar.

Carney concluded his press conference by unveiling a new map of North America with the United States renamed “South Canada.”